just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
