It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
