I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
