I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
