I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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