you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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