You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
