last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
