i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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