That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
