I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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