FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize