He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
