insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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