You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize