It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize