Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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