I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
