If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
