Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
