so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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