This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
