I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My feet surprised me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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