This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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