I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
