Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
