I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the day after is always just damage control
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
