Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
