Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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