God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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