What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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