life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
