The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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