he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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