lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
