Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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