He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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