We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
