9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
