Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
