P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
