I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
