i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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