My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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