please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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