Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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