I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
