If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
