I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
