I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
