I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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