in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
