He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
