If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
