if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
