you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
