i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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