Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
