what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize