wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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